All of my life, I can honestly say that I’ve never had any addictions that I feel bad about. I still don’t, but at the same time of I don’t stop, I feel that smoking will become one of them. To be honest, it’s still spotty as far as when I actually smoke, but I still find it bad on my part, because I know that this shit will kill you, slowly!
The reason I feel so bad is that my Grandfather, Willie Joe Cephus Edgeston died from lung cancer when I was around 15 years old… A great man who’s nerves I constantly ran ragged as a young kid, but a man that taught me so much that I still hold my memories of him dearly!
I don’t smoke weed or anything like that, but a particular brand of cigar (Black&Milds) has a slight hold on me… I used to smoke them in celebration, mainly for emotional strides, and if I’m kicking it with friends sometimes… But lately, times for me have been tough, but I’ve been managing to get through them with GOD guiding me. At the same time, I’ve now started smoking when “the tension gets too thick for my mind to cut through,” (JAY Z)!
It’s a lot of things going on with family that I can’t resolve on my own, neither is anyone really willing to address the elephants that crowd the room… So to get rid of the anger and the mind boggling shit that’s going on, I’ve smoked a few.
Not the biggest of deals, seems pretty common if you ask me… But I had a moment… And in that moment, I not only not listen to GOD, where I had a moment where I could’ve just walked away, but I purposely didn’t listen and proceeded anyway.
From the top: Early this morning around 1am or so, my mind started playing back some of the stuff I brushed off (because it’s nothing I can do about it on my own), so I got the urge to smoke… Smoking has been therapeutic for me lately, because talking about things hasn’t helped much, because the anger and ill feelings towards the situations come back and bother me… But at this time, I was out, so I didn’t have any to smoke… So I got dressed and headed out… And I was walking, a lady was scavenging for a cigarette and was asking any and everybody, including myself… I was just about to crack a joke, but then I realized I was up at this hour looking for the same thing damn near. And I thought to myself like “Damn, it’s crazy how I’m up and out the bed, just to smoke, I know I look mad thirsty!”
But I continued anyway… Then I get to the end of a block by the tracks… And suddenly GOD’s voice says, go back home, you’re better now… And honestly, I don’t know where it came from, but it was true, the anger had subsided… So I stopped dead in my tracks and was in awe, because prior to leaving the house, I was angry that my mind was so filled with everything that was going on… But in that moment, I was fine, as if nothing was ever wrong… I stood on the corner for a few more seconds and decided ON MY OWN, that I was going to go anyway… And I did… And now I feel like crap for going, when I know I don’t need it…
Not only don’t I need it as if I was hooked in a sense, but at that moment, I told GOD no as if he hasn’t been getting me through all of the things I’ve been going through… I feel terrible, to have let anything get in between me and GOD! That’s the worse part of this whole situation, that I told GOD no, and all he’s done is provide ways for me to keep my head above water!
So this picture is one of my favorites, but this post is to mock it, because there’s nothing or no one that I’ll ever put before GOD and what he has to say!
I Apologize Father, Forgive Me, For I Know I Can And Will Do Better!